Honestly.
I don't want to explain everything that's been going on in my life.
The important bits are basically my health has be shit, my physical conditions have gotten worse, my mental state is eh on good days. And this site requires a lot of time, commitment, and effort to even enjoy a little bit. Its incredibly high maintenance to get anything anywhere not to mention mental or emotional stress that can come with the community. And that I know for a fact there are people here who very much dislike me.
Don't get me wrong I have a lot of friends here, I don't know parts of the community even,but get along decently with those I do. But it just. I don't know. I felt like I showed up to a party right when it was ending. While i'm not the newest member of the community i'm definitely one of the newer ones compared to the majority of the people here. Pardon the heavy use of similes, but. It feels like trying to smush into a seat at a lunch table that's already full. Its a constant struggle just to stay seated, to stay part of the community, any any enjoyment I do get from from sitting with everyone at the table, talking to everyone, it is tainted by the feeling of always being on the verge of falling off the bench. Not fitting in.
Its not like I want to quit, I love my characters and the plots I have. But with how draining it can be to be here verses my current state of health I cant really be active at this time. And I don't know when I will be healthy enough to even do so. Hell an important appointment for diagnosis I have is literally scheduled for 2020, that's how backed up the doctors in the area are. And how uncertain I am of when I will even be able to get the help I need.
